FoolishHeart.Sarah

Photos of Us

2011-04-06T09:33:00.000-07:00

2009-12-08T05:39:00.000-08:00

Wow, I think I actually got to work before Drew this morning. That's got to be a first. Anyway, I'm running on about 2.5 hours of sleep today because Katie woke up in the middle of the night and after several failed attempts by me to get her to go back to sleep, she came in our room and our bed which means that nobody really slept.

Steve got up with her at 4 a.m. and made bacon and fruit smoothies for breakfast, let me sleep an extra hour and then got me out of bed so I could get ready to leave. Do I have the most awesome husband, or what? I think so.

Steve and Katie dropped me off at work this morning, Steve filled with 3+ pots of green tea and Katie happily snoozing in the back seat.

I'm a super wuss, I really need my sleep. Today will be interesting; especially because I have baking to do tonight. I signed up to bring in holiday goodies for our "12 Days of Christmas Treats" which I'm now referring to as "12 Extra Pounds I Don't Need." Yesterday was the first day and we had some yummy stuff for sure!

Now I'm off to WalMart for some NAMB-approved shopping. Very exciting.

Happy Tuesday everyone!!

It's Been a While

2009-12-07T13:09:00.001-08:00

Only a year and a half since I last posted on my blog. That's a good way to maintain and establish readership, right? Awesome. Well, I am considering what I want to do with this blog. I'd like to pick some sort of context to write and and be consistent.... hmm.... will continue thinking for now.

My Eyes Fixed on Jesus

2008-07-14T06:28:00.000-07:00

I was reading my book club book this morning, When Life and Beliefs Collide by Carolyn Custus James, and there was a passage that spoke to me particularly. She expounds on "fixing our eyes on Jesus" (Heb 12:2) and says that we become more emboldened to tackle theology when we look at Jesus for who he is, not for who we think or wish he was.

I remember my attitude before coming to Christ 6 years ago; The name Jesus was practically a bad word to me. At best I thought Christianity to be an avenue for some to claim power over others by exerting their influence, recruiting new followers, and condescending to anyone who wasn't a believer At worst it was a means for people to do whatever they wanted in the name of God. I was not fond of Jesus or the people who supposedly acted in his name.

But eventually I found myself in a place where I had to find out for myself who Jesus truly was. Warily and in desparation I prayed "Look, I don't know who you are, but apparently I need you. Please help me to understand who you really are!" At this point I had come to believe in God but had not yet been able to even consider Christ as a valid option.

I began to read the gospels which I hadn't picked up since sophomore year of high school. I was amazed at the character of the man written about by these four authors. I was surprised and delighted by his actions and words. Here was a man nothing like I had imagined based on the lives of "Christians" I had seen.

I had lots of questions. For example Why would this compationate, loving man say such harsh things to the Pharisees? Why were the accounts not exactly the same, but slightly varied among the different writers? As I sought answers intellectually and experienced healing from my own intense personal pain, my understanding of Christ grew and I began to grasp the depths of his love as he worked his purpose in me, as he has done for everyone since the beginning of time; His purpose to reedeem humanity, to bring us back into fellowship with God, into life itself. I fell in love. His name became the most precious word in all the world. I cherished it greatly and was deeply offended by people who used it carelessly as though it was something not deserving of the utmost respect and care.

What a difference! I had completely changed positions (flip flopped, if you will ;o) from considering Jesus to be a negative influence on the world, to realizing he is love actual and ultimate.

I'm only 6 years old, in terms of living with Christ, but I have continued to change and mature. I realize now that a lot of my early frustration with Christians was rooted in my desperate need to be accepted and loved and my overwhelming fears that I was neither. Of course, there are people who do terrible things in the name of Christ and many people have suffered greatly as a result, but in my own experience my problem was, as it usually is, myself.

My zeal has calmed somewhat. I still believe in Christ as described above, but living life with him is not easy. It's been rough lately and I'm struggling to understand God's purpose in my current pain. But I believe he is good and that his plan for redemption is at work here and now and will be fulfilled completely when I die and return to the One I love. I think tenderly on those days when his very name brought tears to my eyes. When that first Easter I spent as a Christian meant more than my flowing tears and quiet sobs could express.

I'm so grateful to God for leading me to a place where I had to abandon my preconceived notions of Jesus. I recognize that God opened my eyes as I read, examined and experienced the truth of Christ. If this isn't something you've done yet, I recommend it with all my heart and soul. You don't even have to believe, accept or approve of God or Christ. Start, as some do in AA, with the God of your understanding. I believe in time, God will reveal his character to you and life will truly begin.

The Bureaucrat

2008-04-25T07:08:00.000-07:00

I like to joke that I'm a bureaucrat at heart. When I'm working with forms and such I still feel like a little girl playing "bank" with my cousin. But there's another attraction for me, something I've never really defined before but had something to do with organizing and keeping things in order.

I just finished reading Dune Messiah by Frank Herbert (sequal to the ever popular science-fiction novel Dune) and in the book the main character, Paul, contemplates the frustration he feels about the bureaucracy that has resulted from his empire's religious division. He describes the officials working in that section of the government as such:

"...[the Bureaucrat] betrayed by every action that he preferred machines to men, statistics to individuals, the faraway general view to the intimate personal touch requiring imagination and initiative."

Whoa. I relate to that passage way more that I feel comfortable admitting! I never realized that part of what I like so much is being able to retreat into a system, to minimize my contact with others in ways that require "imagination and initiative." But it's totally true.

Weird.

Beautiful Katamari

2008-04-23T11:05:00.001-07:00

We had cashed in some "mycokerewards" points in for a free video game rental at Blockbuster. I told Steve I needed a break from the First Person Shooter games we were playing on the XBox360. Steve suggested Beautiful Katamari and found an ad for it so I could see it for myself.

I told Steve he was crazy, that game looked so dumb! You're rolling a ball around different scenes, picking up items as they stick to the ball? Are you kidding me?

But I let him talk me into renting it... I love this freakin' game. It's cute, playful, funny and strange; a combination I quite enjoy. It's also much more challenging than I had anticipated.

I'm not giving it back. I keeps it.

iPhone Adoration

2008-04-22T15:15:00.000-07:00

So, I love my iPhone. I'm sure I'll be green with envy when the new 3G iPhone emerges, however, I will live. I have never used another phone so much, and in so many capacities. I keep it with me at all times because you never know when you'll have a few minutes with which to check your email, look up a word definition or a movie reference, or just enjoy a fun game.

Of course, most of these activities require a good Edge network or WiFi connection, which unfortunately I do NOT have in my office bathroom. Boo hoo. I guess in those instances I have to revert to good ol' fashioned forms of entertainment (i.e., sitting quietly, making akward small chat with coworkers, etc).

I digress. The new app store is supposed to open up in iTunes in June and that is very exciting, although as I'm currently broke (and expect that status to continue for some time) I will not be able to purchase anything, even if it is only $5. But, I'm hoping some great free apps will become available too.

Welcome!

2008-04-22T09:09:00.000-07:00

I have recently begun a new chapter in my life and I find myself more and more wanting to share my thoughts with my loved ones and anyone else who might be interested. Hence, another blog to add to the ever growing sphere of random, silly, insightful and, hopefully, entertaining blogs.

I hope you enjoy your visits here. Be sure to check out the shared items on the left. These will usually include humorous links I've enjoyed or cool new technology.

Happy reading!

A Fresh Start

2008-04-22T08:50:00.000-07:00

I recently emerged from two strange and extremely helpful days in an adult dual-diagnosis detox facility. I take medication for depression and anxiety and the insurance hokey pokey we've been dancing lately due to new jobs (or no jobs) has caused me to take less medication than I needed because I couldn't afford the full dose. This was not good.

About 3 or 4 weeks ago in the depths of depression I bought a bottle of rum and a pack of cigarettes. I started drinking (again) and couldn't stop. On Saturday, 4/12/08, when I ran out of alcohol, I rummaged through the medicine cabinet to find whatever pills I had left over from my cesarean when Katie was born.

The following Monday I went to work but didn't make it through the day. I had no hope for my future, I felt my husband and daughter were better off without me and I wanted to die. I was too scared to actually harm myself, but I really wanted to die. I called Steve and threatened to harm or kill myself if I wasn't taken to the hospital. Thankfully, he quickly responded. He called my Mom and my Aunt and the family took me to the local hospital where they admitted me for alcohol and vicadin abuse as well as suicidal thoughts.

I was transported to a nearby detox facility and was just released last night at 9:30 pm. The facility wasn't fancy, but it was clean and they cared. I made good use of my time there. What I needed was help in finding hope, in finding a way out other than alcohol, other than death.

What I realized there was that since moving to Georgia, I had had little to no contact with other alcoholics and that I need that on a regular basis. To be around others in recovery to remind me that I'm NOT someone who can have a drink occassionally. I also need to continue seeing a therapist to work through my still underlying beliefs that I have no worth, no value. I have a plan now and I feel SO much better.

I'm also extremely glad to be out of detox! Nothing like a place like that to give you some perspective! You're only allowed the hygene products they give you, the clothing they approve and very little else. You have to abide by their schedule and do what they say and that is not always easy. It is so easy to be distracted from healing by focusing on what "they" won't give you or allow you to do.

Once you've signed your admittance papers, you experience a fleeting sense of relief, quickly followed by an intense sense of panic as the hospital guards are posted outside your door and you realize you are no longer allowed to leave of you own will. Different patients deal with this in different ways. In detox, it becomes tempting to focus on just doing what you need to so the doctor will let you go, instead of truly addressing your issues and find healing.

I'm so thankful to God that I was able to see both of those temptations and avoid them. I knew I needed to find hope and a plan to live by and that is what I sought out. And God provided.

Now being home, I'm so utterly grateful for even the small things - my own shampoo and toothbrush, the ability to come and go as I please, the choice of food to eat, etc. And also, of the incredibly loving support of my husband, brother, parents, family and friends.